Slowing down in the face of resistance.
We are often taught that barriers should be blown through, mercilessly annihilated. Sometimes it's true, sometimes a thing is so deeply stuck that the only solution is to run at it with everything you have. Sometimes, though, it’s a long game.
Resistance is a blanket term given for the feeling of no that arises in response to a task, a person, a movement, ideology or anything else, really. Sometimes resistance is a wise messenger arising from a deep truth in us. Sometimes it’s the whisper of a fear that if we tried to do it, we would fail, or it would be painful, or difficult. Sometimes it’s total laziness. Sometimes it’s insecurity. Sometimes its a kind of internal possession; the self-sabotage in me looks at a thing that could bring me somewhere good and says “Nope”.
Resistance comes at thresholds, usually. It can come when I try to change; to sit and meditate, or get on the mat and do yoga, or study something new. It can show up after committing to a new thing, after the initial excitement wears off and we are faced with the actual work it will take to complete a project. It almost always comes when something will challenge the status quo of the way we are used to being. It often tells us it’s too much, we need a break, let’s just scroll some more on social media, let’s watch just one more episode, maybe another cookie…
This can often feel like an internal tug ‘o’ war. One side of me wants one thing, and the other really, really, doesn’t feel like it. All internal contradictions make us tired and irritable. We are paralyzed, doing what looks like nothing, while this struggle is using huge amounts of energy. We exhaust ourselves with an almost imperceptible inner debate. “I should.” But, “I don’t wanna.” It doesn’t end there; shame and guilt will jump on this train and not only will we not be doing it, but will be suffering about how we aren’t doing it.
When I am with resistance it often means that there is something I am not aware of. Maybe I thought that I wanted to do this thing in the beginning, but new information has arisen that is asking me to change my course, but I am trudging ahead without taking the time to notice that. Maybe I’m afraid I don’t have the energy or the capacity. Maybe I am realizing what would happen if I were to succeed, the distance it might put between me and others, the responsibility it would put in my hands. Maybe the thing would bring me attention and that feels like the threat of exposure, or of opening myself to criticism.
The only remedy for any of this is to pause. We need to slow down so that we can really look. We need to ask ourselves what made us say yes initially, and is it still true? If it’s still true, what then, is this no?
There are so many ways in which we stay half-in. We teeter at the edges of marriages long since dead. We linger at the fringes of projects we swear we want to complete. We have visions of how we should move through the world that we don’t live up to. We have a gaping chasm between what we want and what we do.
When we’re paralyzed in the face of a task that we have set for ourselves stopping to ask some questions is a helpful tool. Some possible ones are:
What made me decide to say yes to this? Is that still valid now?
What would happen if I decided to really put my heart into this? How might that be scary to me?
Do I feel like I deserve the benefits that might come from this?
Am I afraid of failing?
Do I not have any energy left to do this thing that I do want because I spend too much energy doing what I don’t want?
What do I need that I am not getting? What would I need to be able to go all in with this thing that I have decided is good for me?
Am I rested, resourced, and relaxed enough to give this energy? And if the answer is no, what could I do to give myself what I need to be able to start this without the threat of it taking more than I have to give?
Sometimes what I am calling resistance is actually exhaustion. Not an up-too-late tiredness, but the result of pushing in too many areas of my life, and not having enough of what nurtures me. If my whole plate is full of shitty tasks and I am not receiving enough energy, care, rest, connection, or inspiration, when it comes time for me to invest in something that I want and is good for me, my tank is empty and I simply don’t have any more to give. Often when I feel like I don’t have enough coming in; enough pleasure, joy, or comfort I’ll end up looking for those things in dependable and sub-par places, and find myself scrolling the phone, eating foods that don’t nurture, or looking to a drink or a smoke, or a connection that doesn’t serve.
Resistance is a lack of information. When we have resistance to something that is good for us, t’s a counter-current that opens us to distraction, losing our orientation, getting absorbed in guilt and shame, and losing faith in ourselves. Sometimes not giving in to resistance has nothing to do with muscling through. It’s about getting quiet and listening. It’s about getting honest with yourself. And like most of the things in this study, the truth will set you free, but it might sting a little first.
There is no way to work with an energy that we are unaware of. Whether my resistance is fear based, pure intuition, or a signal that something significant needs to change before I can move forward, this information is absolutely necessary, and nothing will move unless I let it reveal itself to me. Instead of letting resistance paralyze us, how about we snuggle up with it and let it tell us a story?